Why would I know?! Joking! There is rarely a clear cut answer to this question. There are no clear answers as to why some people get depression or anxiety or other mental health issues. There are no clear answers why some people who face stressors or experience trauma seem to be inherently resilient. Genetics, environment, personality, support systems, and several other factors seem to all play a role in how likely people are to experience mental health issues. I encourage parents to keep an open mind when dealing with children who they believe have something "wrong" with them. Sometimes the "wrong" lies in a parent not completely understanding what is developmentally appropriate for a child or a teen. Young children tend to be hyper and impulsive. They do silly things like jump off of chairs, run in circles, scream for no reason, and yell and throw fits when upset. These are all very "normal" behaviors and don't always suggest symptoms of ADHD are present or that something is wrong. Teens are defiant, rude, moody, and push boundaries. These behaviors are age appropriate and don't always mean your teen is heading down the wrong road or a lost cause. Some children and teens are shy and quiet and introverted which some parents may perceive as them being depressed. Many behaviors we adults perceive as abnormal are very important in the developmental process for kids and teens. For example, children need to learn things like how to self soothe and regulate uncomfortable emotions (tantrums) and teens are learning to be independent and set limits with others and stick up for themselves(defiance). Children and teens are also sponges. It is important to recognize that they often emulate what they see and hear. If your child is hitting, cussing, losing control, etc and it's obviously out of proportion to what is developmentally appropriate ask yourself- How do I handle problems? If you blow up, cuss, hit people or break things when you are upset you are modeling that that behavior is ok.

So when asking what is wrong with my child-ask these additional questions: Are these behaviors serving a purpose and developmentally appropriate? What is the frequency, duration, and intensity of these behaviors or symptoms? Are the behaviors occurring across several different settings and disrupting child's ability to function in school, home, and social settings? What am I modeling for my child? Do I often lose control? Also ask yourself if you are projecting things onto your child. Does your child do things that remind you of your ex spouse whom you hate? Do you fear that because your child has tantrums they will grow up to be abusive like your ex or your mother or father? In these cases you are projecting your own experiences onto your child and that may be YOUR problem and not your child's problem. It is important a child is treated like their own individual person and that the child is not compared to or told that they are just like someone you make known is a "bad" person. You are then making YOUR problem your child's problem, too, by negatively impacting how they view themselves and their self worth. Ex. I don't like when you call me names and throw toys at me(appropriate) vs. You are a bad kid and just like your no good abusive father (inappropriate) . One way verbalizes dislike for a particular behavior whereas the other way attacks the character of the child. A child can understand working on managing/ changing their behavior, but a child who hears they are a bad person may feel hopeless and truly begin to believe they are bad and can't change who they are.

If your child does end up in therapy, we will try to work with your child from a strength's based perspective.  As previously discussed, some behaviors that may annoy you may be beneficial to the child.  A hyperactive child may be able to channel that energy and excel in sports.  A talkative opinionated child may be great on the speech team and grow up to be an excellent lawyer.  We will work on finding ways to redirect behavior.  Many behaviors can be managed from a strength based perspective.  Praising and rewarding a child for appropriate behavior can have a much greater impact on the child's behavior than shaming and punishing a child into submission.  Positive reinforcement will help a child feel confident as the focus is on pointing out what is going right so they can keep on doing it. Relying solely on punishment can contribute to a child feeling insecure, angry, and resentful and often people using this style only point out what is wrong and forget to mention what the actual expectation for the behavior is so the child has no direction or sense of how they are supposed to be acting.  Telling a child "Hands in your lap" is a short simple directive whereas as "Stop being all crazy or Ill take all your toys away!" can leave a child overwhelmed because they may not understand what "being all crazy" means, there has been no indication of what the desired behavior is, and there is the threat that if they don't figure it out quickly they lose all of their play things.